If you know Ed and I, you know that we are radically different. We fail every compatibility test in every bad woman's magazine. We also did pretty crappy on the test our Church gave us when we had our marriage blessed. I tried to cheat. Ed wouldn't let me. Hey- they left us alone in the room with the test! I have a bad track record with Church tests: I was stupid enough to get caught cheating on my confirmation test and had to pray in front of the tabernacle as penance.
When I met Ed, I was 19, depressed, confused and just coming out of a bad relationship. He was just recovering from living the hardest part of his life. Really, it was the worst time in both of our lives. Not a good time to start a serious relationship.
As the years went on, our differences became more apparent. We fought a lot. But, we always made up, learned something about ourselves and our relationship, and went on laughing. Most importantly, he loved me unconditionally. I didn't always return the favor.
When it came time to get married (the first time), I started questioning the reasons why I was choosing to marry Ed. I knew I loved him and that he loved me. But, I was scared. I knew he didn't want kids as much as I did. He hadn't finished his degree and started his career. My life wouldn't be like the comfortable one I had in the suburbs with the predictable routine and the safe future. Ed and I had all the heart stuff. We didn't have the practical stuff ironed out though.
Then it hit me. It instantly hit me as I was opening up the door to my apartment. I knew from the bottom of my soul to the most practical part of my middle class brain that my life would be filled with regret and longing if I didn't marry this man. It wasn't a feeling or a thought. It was as if I could see the path of my life laid out plainly in front of me and I just KNEW.
This road hasn't been easy: a surprise baby, working motherhood, checking account balances below $10.00, 4 jobs between the two of us, messy rooms, empty cupboards, panic attacks, cancer in two parents, exhaustion and just plain hard days. Every once in a while, I am blessed to relive the soul stirring I had before I married Ed. Last week, it happened in church. I was sitting next to Ed with Alex on the other side of him. What a miracle it is that we are both going to church and that we have a kid. Ed gives me credit for bringing him back to the faith. However, I wouldn't have started going to church or kept going if he hadn't encouraged me. Then, of course, we have Alex because we had our marriage blessed in the Catholic faith (that's another post in and of itself).
I am completely thankful for the peace that settles over me during these times. It reminds me to open my heart to the man who gives himself freely to me. It reminds me that it's okay to be loved so much by somebody. It reminds me to cherish and protect the gift God has given me.
I love you Ed.
Not A Contraceptive
5 months ago
9 comments:
I love you Big Sky
I read your post again - for like the 80th time. It picks me up when I am at one of our four jobs.
This was the biggest shock in the whole post: "I tried to cheat. Ed wouldn't let me." That's a pretty good insight into your relationship, though. Balance is the key, regardless of the elements/environment.
For the record, I can't imagine what Ed would be like if he wasn't married to you. I'm scared even thinking about it.
Yes, I agree with you,chris b. Big Sky, you're the best thing that every happened (in my opinion) to him.....
Love. That's what it's all about, and you guys are some of the best evidence of that.
What a sweet post. I agree with Old Dog that the two of you - three of you - know what's it all about.
PS: It was great to hang out the other night. Looking forward to the 30th!
Thanks yous guys. Love to all
KJ, this is one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. Maybe only topped by the letter my sister left for her Godson that I was able to read after she died. So eloquent, so heartfelt. I'm loving it. I'm loving all of you!
Good words.
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